A Not So Happy Birthday
by Icewind Alchemist
Summary: It’s Icewind and Ichigo’s birthday! Unfortunately, one of them is depressed and the other is being chased by fan girls. Add plot holes, OCs, creatures from Harry Potter, and forty-nine samurai girls and they may not make it out alive! Two-shot. IchiRuki
1. Calm Before the Storm

**Title:** A Not So Happy Birthday

**Author: **Icewind Alchemist

**Rated: **T for swearing and bits of violence

**Pairings: **Mostly IchiRuki

**Disclaimer: **I only own this fan fiction and the OCs that appears here! (looks over at Ian) Ian: MEEP! Get away from me!

**Summary: **It's Icewind and Ichigo's birthday! Unfortunately, one of them is depressed and the other is being chased by fan girls. Add plot holes, OCs, creatures from Harry Potter, and forty-nine samurai girls and they may not make it out alive!

**Warnings: **Bits of swearing, plot holes, OCs, copyright issues, and writing on crack.

**Note: **My second crack-birthday-fic! This time, it's in honor of my birthday too! (I'm turning sixteen!) This is also the first piece of semi-published writing that an OC from my original story appears in.

Enough with the rambling! Onward!

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**Part One: The Calm Before the Storm**

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"Icewind!" Ian, said authoress's OC, yelled while running through the house. The rest of the family was out of the house-both parents at work, little brother at a friend's house, and the older sister who was captured by the little men in white coats from a happy hotel who didn't know what horror they were bringing into their building.

The OC was a boy around Icewind's age with messy, dark brown hair and slim features. Though not cute, there was something in his moss green eyes that lent a spark of its own. But right now he was intent on finding his creator.

"Icewind! There you…are?" Ian had looked into Icewind's room and paused at what he saw. His creator was curled up in the fetal position on a chair, dark clouds surrounding her. The OC sighed. "What's wrong?"

"My birthday." Icewind stated bluntly.

Ian looked at Icewind like she had three heads. "Are you out of your mind?! How can someone be depressed about their birthday?!"

Icewind got up, glaring at the boy. "It's my SIXTEENTH birthday, Ian!" she snapped. "Fifteen was the perfect age for me, but now I'm going to turn SIXTEEN!"

"Now you're depressed about that?!" He yelled incredulously. "Haven't you heard of 'Sweet Sixteen?!' You know, when you start DRIVING?!"

"I don't wanna drive!" Icewind shot back. "I LIKE walking!"

Ian sighed. "Well, now you're turning emo. Great."

"No I'm not-Stan is."

"Huh?"

Icewind sighed. "You know-Stan, from across the street. He's the other one turning emo, not me. The other day I heard him pleading for someone to 'end his nearly endless suffering.'"

Ian glanced out the window for some odd reason, frowned, then turned back to Icewind. "I think he got what he wanted."

"Huh?"

"A barber guy came out of nowhere and slit his throat." Ian said nonchantly before he paused and did a face palm. "Oh for Pete's sake, Icewind! You opened up another plot hole!"

"That's what I figured when you said barber guy." Icewind got up and cracked her knuckles. "Well, better send Mr. Todd back to Fleet Street."

What happened afterwards could be told here, but it would be very long and would change this fic to an M. So, for the sake of those who don't have strong stomachs, the scene will be skipped.

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The two were now sitting at the kitchen table, the authoress with her head rested on her arms, the dark clouds returning. Both had taken a shower so that when everyone got home they wouldn't get suspicious about the blood stains.

"Now I have that stupid song stuck in my head." Icewind groaned. "Really puts a damper on a good mood-I'm just minding my own business thinking happy thoughts when I hear in my head 'Swing your ra-zor hiiiiiiiggggghhhh,' and then things get worse. WHY did our Acapella choir have to do 'the Ballad of Sweeny Todd?!' WHHHHHHHHHY?!"

"Because they wanted to?" Ian offered, trying to help and failing.

"Yeah, well I'm still in a bad mood, now what?"

"LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOONNNNNEEEE!" A familiar voice shouted outside. Ian ran to the window and took a peek. An equally familiar orange haired boy, who was a little older than the OC, was running from a huge crowd of fangirls.

"What's going on, Ian?"

Ian walked back to the kitchen. "That guy from BLEACH-what was his name again…Ichi something…- is being chased by fangirls."

Suddenly, Icewind's mood seemed to have brightened. "YAY! I'm not doing the worst now!" She shouted triumphantly.

"Sadist." Ian mumbled. Icewind caught him anyway.

"Am not!"

"Are to!"

"Am not!"

"Are to!"

"Am no-ot!" Icewind did a sing-song.

"Are to-oo!" Ian copied.

"Am no-"

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"We'll continue this later! Ian, get the door!"

"Note that my names' Ian, not Igor." Ian muttered while he opened the door. As soon as he did, a fist started hitting him on the noggin."

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Ian gasped, grabbing the offending arm and rubbing the goose egg on his head (not with the same arm, of course!). "Cut that out!"

"Sorry." Ichigo muttered sheepishly. "Can I come in?"

"Hold on a sec," the OC shouted over to his creator. "ICEWIND! CAN CARROT TOP COME IN?!"

"MY NAME'S NOT CARROT TOP!"

"NO HE CAN'T!"

"WHY NOT?!"  
"BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU!"

"YOU LIKE ME AND RUKIA TOGETHER! AND YOU LIKE BLEACH!"

"DAMN! Fine, come in!"

Ichigo ran into the house and slammed the door behind him. He started scrambling around, looking for…something.

"Woah!" Ian exclaimed. "What are you doing? …And why are you dressed like a samurai instead of those clothes you were wearing before?"

"I left Kon with my body to act as a decoy," Ichigo explained. "and I need a place to hide until the fan girls leave."

"First of all," Icewind came in. "Fan girls have built-in radars that tell them if they're chasing a decoy, so they will figure that out quickly. And second, the hall closet is the best place to hide."

"Thanks!" The shinigami ran into the closet and closed the door. A moment later, he spoke up. "Icewind?"

"Yeah?"

"Was there always a three-headed dog in here?"

"Crap!" Icewind exclaimed, opening the door to let the orange-haired teen and the said dog out. She opened a plot hole to send the latter home. "Now, back in the closet."

Ichigo went back into his hiding place. He spoke up again a moment later. "Icewind?"

"Yeah?"

"Was there always a giant snake in here?"

"Crap!" The authoress let him out again, along with a basilisk. An epic battle took place, but seeing as it would be too long (and the authoress was too lazy) it was skipped to fit this story. The casualties included were Ichigo getting poisoned by ripping off the same finishing blow as a certain young wizard, Ian getting petrified (thank whatever entity for mirrors), and Icewind loosing her marbles (literally, people. Not figuratively.).

"They were my shiniest, damn it!" Icewind cursed while furiously flipping pages of "White Magic for Dummies." (Now sold at the end of the universe.) "Aha! Here it is!" She turned to the shinigami. "Poisona! Now you should be cured of the basilisk's poison…I think."

"Gee, I feel so much better now that I know that I might keel over and die at any minute if the spell didn't work." Ichigo grumbled while Icewind went over to help her OC.

"Stona!" Ian immediately began moving again. "And don't worry, strawberry-if it doesn't work we'll know in a few minutes! In the meantime, back to hiding from fan girls!"

"Oh no!" Ichigo's arms formed an "X." "I am NOT going back in that crazy closet! Not after what hap-" He was shoved into it anyway, door slammed as soon as he went in. "Icewind," he growled.

"What?!"

"Was there always a dragon in here?"

"Crap!" Icewind yelled for the third time that day, once again opening the door and letting Ichigo and a Hungarian Horntail out. The latter was about to attack when Ian ran up to the dragon and threw his arms around its neck.

"AWWW!! She's so cute!" Ian cooed. The dragon mysteriously calmed down and was nuzzling the OC, making a noise that sounded like…purring? Icewind and Ichigo stared in shock. "Can we keep her, Icewind? Can we?"

"How do you know that's a she?" Ichigo asked. Ian pointed below. "Oh." He then turned to Icewind. "Did you give him the ability to tame creatures or something like that?"

Icewind shook her head. "No-he's an ice mage, not a beast tamer. Then again, whenever I create characters something odd happens to them. I guess Ian gained the ability to tame dragons or something."

CRASH

Icewind whirled around. A rock had been thrown through a window and lay there seemingly innocent with a bunch of glass shards around. Her gaze went outside where an army of fan girls stood lined up. "Oh, crap."

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ACK! I ripped off a line from Hellboy!

Then again, more lines will be ripped off in the next chapter, which will be posted tomorrow! See ya then!


	2. Surprise, Surprise

**Title: **A Not So Happy Birthday

**Author: **Icewind Alchemist

**Rating: **T for swearing

**Pairings: **IchiRuki

**Disclaimer: **Anything that isn't this story or my OC isn't mine.

**Summary: **It's Icewind and Ichigo's birthday! Unfortunately, one of them is depressed and the other is being chased by fan girls. Add plot holes, OCs, creatures from Harry Potter, and forty-nine samurai girls and they may not make it out alive!

**Warnings: **Swearing, plot holes, OCs, ripped off lines, insanity, writing on crack, an epic battle, and the destruction of Wall the Fourth.

**Note: **HUZZAH! I managed to stay alive for another year! ...actually, this part was written on the 14th of July, so technically not yet. Wait until the end-which you should now be working your way towards!

Quick note-I have nothing against gals who like Ichigo. This is a parody, so don't take it seriously (actually, don't take anything in this fic seriously).

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**Part 2: Surprise, Surprise**

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The house was silent (for once)-its three occupants silent. Icewind was sleeping in her own room, Ian had taken the couch in the living room, and Ichigo snoozed on the futon in the den. Thanks to a plot hole, Icewind's parents weren't home yet. Her little brother was staying the night at a friend's house. And her sister…well, the little men in white coats had just too late realized their horrible mistake.

"Shot through the heart, and you're to blame-You give love a bad name…" The alarm clock near the authoress's bed started singing Bon Jovi.

Icewind groaned as she shut the alarm off. "Yay-happy birthday." She mumbled as she got out of bed, got dressed, and shouted "WAKE UP!"

Both guys woke up grumbling and trying to pull themselves together. Ian went into the kitchen to make breakfast while Ichigo called the bathroom.

Skipping the boring stuff and to the explanation of what was going on, especially with the cliffhanger from part 1 of the story. Upon discovery of the fan girl army parked outside the house, the trio had barricaded the house and, due to Icewind's laziness, decided to postpone the epic battle for the next day-coincidently the day a lazy authoress and a substitute shinigami were born. Also, the OC was forced to send the dragon he befriended back into the wild, where it was currently terrorizing the empty field behind the house.

Back to the present, Icewind pulled a chalkboard out of nowhere and set it in the kitchen. "Alright boys, " She announced, glancing around at the two who made up their feeble army. Ian was eating a bowl of Capn' Crunch™ while Ichigo ate some toast. "Seeing as there is only three of us, I propose we throw all battle plans to the side and do a frontal assult!"

"Some plan," Ichigo grumbled.

"Wait!" Ian exclaimed. "What about Lucy? Can't she join?"

"Who's Lucy?" The orange haired male asked.

"The dragon, of course!" The green eyed male admonished.

"You can't name a dragon Lucy!"

"Yeah I can! 'Sides-you named a plushie Kon!"

"That's because-"

"I'M HO-OME!" The trio whirled around to the newly created plot hole in the center of the living room. Icewind's sister, Byakugan Wolf, was standing there innocently with blood covering her entire front.

"Sis! You're home!" The two sisters hugged each other. "I thought they would be smart enough to find out about you quickly!"

"Yeah-just my luck I got stuck with idiots." Wolf sighed, magically pulling out a clipboard and pen and crossing off a name on the former with the latter. "Anyways, that's another asylum who has banished me from their premises." She looked around. "So, what's going on here? And why do you have strawberry here?"

"My name's not strawberry!"

"He came here for refuge and I was forced to give it to him." Icewind explained.

"I see…Oh! That's right, I forgot!" Wolf motioned to someone inside the plot hole. The someone stepped out and gained stares from Icewind and Ichigo. "Happy birthday, sis!"

"RUKIA!" Both authoress and shinigami exclaimed. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"Well, I was looking for Ichigo when I ran into Wolf," Rukia began. "She asked me to come with since her sister was a fan of mine and it was her birthday. I figured that since Icewind and Ichigo hate each other they would somehow end up in the same place. Thus if I came with not only could I meet with a fan, but I'd also find Ichigo."

"That makes sense." Ian commented. He glanced out the window. "Ummm…about the army outside…"

Wolf's fist made contact with her palm. "Ah yes! So we'll be doing a frontal assault?"

A sly smile formed on Icewind's face. "Yeah-but we'll need some help…"

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"Damn it! That little (bleep!) has been holding MY Ichi-kun hostage for months!" Ichigo fan girl Debby complained before looking over her sentence. "Wait a minute, how come it says bleep! instead of (bleep!)?"

"First of all, it's only been a day. And second, Icewind must be editing it out." Fellow fan girl Shelby murmured. "She must not like being called a (bleep!)…"

"Actually, it's because I'd prefer being called MISS Bitch!" a familiar voice announced. Both fan girls, along with the rest of the army, whirled around to face the source.

Said source, Icewind, was standing proudly with a wooden sword in her right hand rested on her shoulders. To her right, Ian was fingering with the leather wrapped around his lance (spear, whatever) and Ichigo was unsheathing (or unwrapping) Zangetsu. On the left, Wolf had her "Holy Frying Pan of Doom" ready and heated, and Rukia had released her zanpaku-tō, Sode no Shirayuki. The five of them were ready to take on the fan girls no matter the cost.

Said army was silent for a moment before a great noise erupted.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" All of them were laughing, some rolling on the ground, some with tears in their eyes, some who were literally falling apart from laughing so much. "You call that a defense?! You might as well give up Ichi-kun and spare yourselves the pain!"

"YOU KNOW NOTHING OF PAAAIIIIIN!!" Wolf shouted, brandishing her frying pan. Meanwhile, Ichigo didn't look too hopeful about the situation and Rukia was fuming for some odd reason (or maybe not so odd. Hmmm…).

Ian tapped Ichigo on the shoulder. "Don't worry-Icewind and Wolf aren't going to give you up; if they did that BLEACH would be over."

"Thanks, I fell so much better." Ichigo muttered half-heartedly. Meanwhile again, Icewind had developed a devious look on her face.

"Guess it's time to call out our main force!" She proclaimed before shouting out. "THESE GALS STOLE TEN DOLLARS!"

Suddenly, forty-nine completely identical girls with blonde hair and antennae wearing samurai styled clothes with swords appeared behind Icewind. "Did these girls steal OUR ten dollars?! TEN DOLLARS!" The fiercest one, though they all looked fierce, demanded. Apparently, she was the leader.

"Yes, they did." Icewind answered.

"Will they give them back?! TEN DOLLARS!"

"No-they spent it all already."

All forty-nine gals looked even more furious now. "THEN THEY WILL PAY WITH THEIR LIVES! TEN DOLLARS!" All of them charged at the fan girl army, all of them thirsting for blood (but more preferably Jamba Juice™). "THE SAMURAI NANAS HAVE ARRIVED! TEN DOLLARS!" Pretty soon there were heads flying.

"So…they're doing all of this for ten dollars?" Rukia asked dumbfounded.

"Yup! Ten dollars!" Icewind said happily.

"Wait! Why are you doing that?!"  
"My parents owe me ten dollars for mowing the lawn. Ten dollars! So I swore I would say 'ten dollars' after every sentence until they paid me. Ten dollars!" Suddenly, a ten dollar bill appeared out of nowhere. "Ah! I got paid!"

"Well, aren't we going to go in after them?" Ian asked.

"Yeah, we'd better. Otherwise it wouldn't be as exciting."

"Got it!" The OC got his spear out and ready to impale someone. "LET'S ROCK!" This earned him a glare from Icewind. "What?!"

"You ripped off a line from 'Devil May Cry!'" Icewind accused him.

"So?! You ripped off a line from 'Hellboy' at the end of the last chapter!"

"It was appropriate for the scene!"

"This is too!"

"GUYS!" Wolf's shout brought the two back to the present. She and the two shinigami had already joined the fray (no, not the band-as cool as it would be.)."How about helping out here?!"

"SORRY!" Both authoress and fictitious character rushed down to fight off the army of fan girls.

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"Well, this is a sticky situation." Wolf muttered. She and her sister were standing back to back with fan girls surrounding them. Both had their weapons up, which seemed to amuse the fan girls greatly.

"You think you can take us on with a frying pan and a stick?!" One of them jeered. "Like to see you try!"

"May I take out her face?" Wolf growled.

"With my blessings." Icewind responded. Wolf wasted no time in doing so.

WHAM!

SIZZLE!

"AAAAHHHHH!! MY FACE" The fan girl screeched, hands covering the burnt remains of what used to be a face. The rest took one look and started heading for the hills, screaming all the way.

"YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE RETRIBUTION!!" Wolf chased the runaways (no, not the superhero team), leaving Icewind to fend off the rest closing in on her.

"What are you going to do with a stick like that? Give us a concussion?"

Icewind's face brightened. "Wow! What a great idea! I'll try it!"

WUMP!

The authoress looked around at the unconscious fan girls disappointedly. "Aw, man."

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"BACK, VILE CREATURES! BACK!" Ian shouted while impaling another fan girl on his lance. The unfortunate victim immediately froze up (literally). Despite his ice magic, however, Ian was still being overwhelmed by the nearly endless amount of female fighters. "AAAAAAHHHHH!!"

A thunderous voice roared and a familiar black figure swooped down, devouring said fighters. Ian looked up at his savior. "LUCY!" He hugged the Hungarian Horntail as soon as she landed. "You came back!" He then glanced over at the ever-growing fan girl population. "Guess it's lunch time!"

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"ICHI-KUN! I LOOOOOOVE YOOOOOOU!"  
"SHUT! THE! HELL! UP!" Ichigo slashed through the fan girl. "AND! LEAVE! ME! ALONE!" He didn't notice the one sneaking up behind him, getting ready to glomp him. Before she could, however, she was frozen solid.

"YOU IDIOT!" Rukia reprimanded the teen. "Guard your flank!"

"Alright! Alright! Stop yelling!" He shouted. "And…umm…thanks."

"…no problem."

"LUCY LOOK!" Ian's voice called out. "FANGIRL-CICLES! WITHOUT THE STICKS!"

"Do I want to know?" Rukia asked aloud.

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And so the battle raged on (since the author was too lazy to write it out and was running out of space fast.). Eventually, however, there was one fan girl left-Debby.

Debby, who was standing in front of a pit that had magically appeared, didn't look so tough now without her fellow fan girls to back her up. "Y-You can't do this!" She shouted. "This is madness!"

"Shall I?" Ian asked Icewind.  
"Well…she ripped off a line first. So go ahead." Ian walked up to the fan girl and stood face to face with her.

"THIS. IS. SPARDA!" He shouted before pushing Debby into the pit.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

"But we aren't even in Gre-oh, what does it matter." Ichigo muttered.

"So…" Rukia trailed off. "Now what?"

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"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Everyone shouted as Icewind and Ichigo blew out the candles on their own cakes.

Ian was eating his own slice with Lucy, who decided she preferred leftover fan girls to cake.

The forty-nine samurai Nanas had brought a HUGE cake of their own using the hundred dollars they pilfered from the dead bodies (hey! At least it's not being wasted!).

Wolf was getting drunk on a smoothie that had probably been spiked by one of the samurai Nanas.

Rukia called Ichigo over to give him her present. He got a smooch on the lips and proceeded to turn redder than his name sake (you know which one I'm talking about!)

Icewind got a picture of her and Rukia together, also autographed by the latter.

All and all, the day actually turned out to live up to the greeting.

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NOW I'm sixteen!

Hope you enjoyed the story! I'll be working on the other stories tomorrow!


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